Of Life and Death

Where to start...?

I guess a good place is at the beginning.

Last year, in June 2015, my family had a giant family reunion. We rented a cabin close to Tahoe and my entire immediate family came! My parents, all seven of us kids, and all of the grandkids, plus Jeff Otero, of course. We spent an entire week together playing and eating and having special events every night. One night we did a talent show, another night we talked about some of our ancestors. It was an amazing week, especially since this was the first time we had ever done anything like it. We are blessed to have a family who loves each other and the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Fast forward a month to July 21st, my birthday. I woke up and ate some breakfast. I took out my birth control pill and stuck it on my tongue. Joe very insistently said, "Wait!" I looked at him like he was a little crazy and stuck out my tongue as if to say, "What? You want me to wait to take my birth control? Who are you and what have you done with my husband?" He then plucked the pill from my mouth, threw it in the garbage, and said, "Happy birthday." I was so shocked and happy! We were going to have another baby!

We got pregnant within a month and at my first doctor's appointment they did an ultrasound, which I was not expecting. Joe wasn't with me at that appointment, so I decided to take a video of the ultrasound for him. I caught the technician say, "Looks like a twin pregnancy!"

I was shocked to say the least. I started crying a little in the doctor's office. I had never ever considered the possibility of having twins. I didn't want twins. Twins were something that happened to other people, not us! I always told Joe we would take one baby at a time. Now he lovingly tells everyone that I lied to him.

The only person I told about my pregnancy, besides Joe, was my sister, Barbara. When I was about 9 weeks pregnant my father was diagnosed with Leukemia. That was a hard day for everyone. A bunch of my family was in California with my parents that evening and Barbara encouraged me to tell my family about the pregnancy. I trusted her judgement, since I couldn't get a feel for the dynamics in the room. She said some good news would be well received on such a sad day. So I told the whole family, and everyone was very happy for us. I'm glad I could provide good news on that day.

My pregnancy was great! I was still very active up until the end. I was stressed out about the birth, because I wanted to have a vaginal delivery so badly, but in the end Baby A was breech, so that decision was taken out of my hands. I had a scheduled cesarean on 4/15/16 (the best birth date ever, right? I figured if I had to schedule what day my babies were being born I might as well pick the coolest date.) About a month or so before the birth I remember feeling overwhelmed at the thought of having to take care of two babies. I prayed and felt the babies tell me, "Everything is going to be okay, Mom. We are going to help you." That impression really comforted me, and it still comforts me to this day. These girls are my little helpers.

The night before I gave birth I Face Timed my parents. It was one of the last times I talked with my father. I asked for advice and he said, "I can't give you any advice. You are a beautiful, strong young woman, and your mother has taught you well. You can't imagine what your future holds." He also said that he was sad he couldn't be here with me in this momentous part of my life. I told him that I wished I could be there with him, too. He said that I'm doing the most important work that anyone can do. It was so nice to hear him say that he loves me and see his face as he said it. I knew that he loved me, but there's a big different between knowing it and hearing someone say it to your face.

On the morning of my cesarean I went in and started that lovely day with the nurses poking my arms several times trying to get at my "rolly polly" veins. It doesn't sound that bad, but it was. I fervently prayed that they would find a good vein and they finally did! Then the anesthesiologist came in and gave me an epidural, which I had chosen in place of a spinal tap. That man was amazing. Out of the entire staff during my stay at the hospital he impressed me the most. He was calm and confident, and helped me to feel informed about what was going on every step of the way, and was very attentive to my needs. Unfortunately the epidural gave me terrible, horrible, no-good, very-bad shakes. The entire top half of my body was convulsing like I was having seizures. I remember having this problem when I gave birth to my first daughter, but it was way worse with the cesarean, probably because I was so freaked out, and it was a much higher dose.

My sweet husband was by my side the entire time reminding me to breathe, which I was sincerely grateful for! While the doctors were cutting me open I couldn't feel anything except pressure. Even though I didn't feel pain I knew what they were doing and so I cried tears of fear and anxiety. I asked Joe to sing the hymn "I Need Thee Every Hour," which he did. He also sang, "Where Can I Turn for Peace." That helped. By then we heard a sweet cry letting us know that Baby A had been delivered. That was at 10:00 am. One minute later we heard another sweet cry from Baby B. My tears of terror turned into tears of joy and relief. I really hope I never have to experience a cesarean again, but ultimately my babies are here and safe and that's all that matters.

The babies were both 4 pounds 9 ounces when they were born. One was 16 inches, the other was 16.5. Right when we first looked at them we knew they were not identical. They look different and thankfully it's easy to tell them apart. The problem is we still didn't have names for them! The next morning in the hospital a phlebotomist came in to take some blood. He said that his wife was pregnant with their fifth child, a girl. They had already chosen three names, and would narrow it down from there. He told me the names, and the only one I remember is Ember Lily. I thought Ember was such a great name that I told Joe later that day. He liked it, too! I read the list of girl names I had chosen several times and one stuck out for Joe, which is Sky. We didn't finalize the names until right before we left the hospital. We had first names, but what about middle names?! With Parker we agonized over middle names that began with the letter J so that we could call her PJ if we wanted (which btw we have never done...). I really loved the name Jubilee, so I chose that for Sky's middle name. I asked Joe if we wanted to go with all J middle names. I still had a list of J names in my notes app on my phone, and the last name on the list was Jo. I thought it would be so neat for one of the girls to have Joe's name. He said he was extremely uncomfortable naming one of our children after himself unless perhaps one of them had my name also. We decided on Ember Jo and Sky Indy, both middle names taking our nicknames with one letter missing. I still like Jubilee, but choosing these names just felt right.

I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital. The nurses took great care of me, and I was able to get some good sleep at night between feedings. I also did a lot of skin to skin time, which was really healing. For several days after their birth I felt euphoric. I was so happy we had these babies that nothing could ruffle that joy. I remember having the thought, "I'm so happy I want ten more babies!" That euphoria was so wonderful. I felt like it was a little slice of heaven, and not in some mystical intangible way. I really feel like it was the same sweetness and love I felt with people I loved before I was born. If this is the same sweetness my Dad is experiencing now then he is a very very happy man.

Our two year old loves her baby sisters, but has a hard time obeying when we tell her not to touch the babies, or squish them, or hit them, or give them things when they're sleeping. Playing with babies is just so tempting. It's a work in progress.

Oh, PS: my sister, Autumn came out a week before the babies were born, and has seriously been a life saver. I really don't know what we would do without her. She has fed us, cleaned our home, gone grocery shopping, played with Parker, set up the nursery, stayed up late with the babies, woken up early with Parker, and even wakes up in the middle of the night some times to help me when both babies are awake and crying of hunger. Talk about selfless service. God knew what we needed and sent Autumn to be the angel who met those needs. Today is Mother's Day and it was a little hard for Autumn. I had the distinct impression that she is an amazing mother. Yes, I have given birth to three beautiful girls, but Autumn has nurtured them just as much as me this past month, and she has nurtured me and Joe too!

When the babies were born I felt like I was experiencing the opposite of what my parents were struggling with in California. I had these sweet teeny babies who were sent from our Father in Heaven. They were just starting their mortal journey. I could imagine the struggles and joys they might have as they grow up. They're just starting out! My father, on the other hand, was at the end of his mortal journey. He had experienced a rich life of marriage, family, and selfless service. He had developed a firm testimony that was unshakable. My girls are never going to know him in this life, but I hope that I can instill in them many things that he taught me.

He never complained. I literally have never heard my Dad utter unkind words about anybody, or even struggles that he had. He treated my mother like a queen, and said that all girl's are princesses. Whenever we would hear sad stories about parents treating their daughters unkindly he would say, "That's not how those girls should be treated. Their parents should be saying 'This girl is getting too pretty, we need to lock her in the tower!'" He treasured his family.

I had the pleasure of working for him for a few years after high school. I noticed that when he cared for his patients he often conversed with them about his children and their accomplishments. He was so proud of his children and we were on his mind often.

My Dad was an interesting man. He was very quiet and introspective at home, but when he got in front of a group of people he would come alive. He was an amazing teacher, public speaker, and leader. I never really understood who my Dad was until I went to Woodbadge with him. He had been on the staff for several years before he convinced my sister and I to come cook in the kitchen. Although I was busy in the kitchen there were many times I could slip away and hear him teach, lead discussions with the scouts, and act silly, as only scouters can. I got to meet the people that my Dad wanted to associate himself with. Those are some of the best people I've ever met. One poignant memory I have is when he debriefed the participants after they played "The Game of Life." The object of the game was to win all you can. You could either cooperate with everyone, and everyone would gain points, or you could backstab the other players and earn more points than them. In the end there were often hurt feelings, and it was my Dad's job to mediate. He talked about the Scout Law. A Scout is Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean, and Reverent. These are not just nice sentiments. This is the law that my Dad lived his life by. He really was a trustworthy man. He was loyal to his wife and friends. He helped everyone who needed him, and sacrificed much his time and energy to do so. He was kind and friendly to everyone he met. He put other's needs often above his own. He was obedient to the commandments of God, and cheerfully submitted his will to the Father. Every time I talked with him at the end of his life he cheerfully said he was doing great and never complained about the hardships of dying.

Death may change some people, but not my Dad. He died exactly the same way he lived. Cheerfully, with faith, humility, and love for his family.

A few weeks before my father passed away he was reading in Isaiah and had a distinct impression that chapter 57, versus 1 and 2 applied directly to him. "The righteous perisheth, and no man layeth it to heart: and merciful men are taken away, none considering that the righteous is taken away from the evil to come. He shall enter into peace: they shall rest in their beds, each one walking in his uprightness."

The day my father passed from this life my mother prayed and received revelation from the Holy Ghost that thousands of people were there to greet him on the other side. I can only imagine the joyful reunions he is having.

Last year, just 11 months ago, no one knew he would leave us so soon, but I'm grateful for the memories we made as a family, and the selfless love he always showed us. Because of him I better understand who my Savior and Father in Heaven are.