Sometimes I Miss Church in California

Yesterday was interesting for me. I wanted to go to church, because I hadn't gone since baby girl was born almost 2 months ago. That's the longest period in my life I haven't gone to church.

                                                   

Problem #1   Church starts at 9 freaking am.

Problem #2   It's 8:15 and I'm still feeding baby. I'm not showered or dressed at all. (And I hadn't taken a shower in 2 days, so it was time.)

I finished the feeding, took a short shower, threw on a dress, combed my wet hair and put it in a pony tail (no time to dry or do anything else to it), did some minimal makeup, hugged my sick husband goodbye and headed out the door at 8:58. On the way to the chapel I realized I was wearing flip flops. Not the most Sunday appropriate shoe.

Then I realized how I must look to people: wet hair, flip flops, coming in late to church. How disrespectful is this girl?

And then I started coming up with retorts in case anyone commented on these things; each thought increasing my anger.

I thought, "You don't know me. This is the best I could do this morning. I haven't gone to church in two months and you dare to comment on my appearance! All I wanted was to feel the Spirit and you ruined it!"

This was so stupid of me. The only person ruining my church experience was myself.

By this time my drive was over, I had reached the church building.

Problem #3   No one was at church. The parking lot was completely empty.

Stake Conference, that's the only explanation. They wouldn't just cancel church.

Great... the ONE day I finally come to church, and rushed to get ready, and it's not here.

I felt good that I was at least willing to go to church. I found out that Stake Conference started in an hour at a different building. I went back home and fed my hungry baby again, and then made it to 10 am conference, still with wet hair and flip flops.

                                                 

I was actually glad that yesterday was Stake Conference, because I really only know like one person in my ward. We just moved in and then I had the baby. I don't feel integrated in my current ward yet. It's hard when you feel alone and unnoticed in your ward. At least at Stake Conference everyone kind of feels that way. 

Suddenly I wished I was back in California where I feel comfortable and loved in my home ward, even though I haven't been there in years. Even in our first married ward in Vallejo they knew us and were happy we were there each Sunday. I also loved my married student ward in Provo where we had friends and the Bishop made sure we knew that he knew and loved us.

As I was contemplating all of this I noticed a husky young man, probably in his late teens or early twenties in a white button down shirt, khaki pants, white flip flops (nice matching there), AND knitting. Like full on knitting! Then I noticed the Tongan family right next to me with the dad and son in their formal lava lavas (I hope that's what they're called). It made me smile and feel like I wasn't so alone.

All of this made me remember an institute lesson in California taught by Jonna (PS I still think about specific lessons we had pretty frequently). She told us a story about a woman that didn't feel accepted in her ward. She was kind of a loner, but came every Sunday. In one fast and testimony meeting she shared her testimony of the Savior and the atonement and renewing her covenants every Sunday- and that's why she went to church. Not for socializing or comparing herself to others, but to partake of the Sacrament and feel the Spirit.

                                                     

That's really why I go to church, and I guess now I am proving that to myself. Not every ward is going to be as amazing as mine in California, but that's okay because sometimes we have to remember our true motivation for going to church- even at the ridiculous hour of 9 am with a baby.

Just so you know, I don't want to sit back and mope about not having friends at church. I want to integrate myself. It's just hard and will take time. I'm sure half of the people who go to my ward feel alone too. My husband and I figured out early in our marriage that if we want to have friends we have to instigate the friendship. It's hard in such a transient place, but I need to try. I can't spend the next 5-8 years feeling this way.

So that's it. I need to put myself out there and be happy and not be so hard on myself.