Resolving Problems in Marriage


I was recently reminded of an essay that I wrote about a year ago, in my last semester of college. I took a class on marriage and family life just for fun, and I'm so glad I did! I learned so much. It was neat getting to learn about marriage through a social science perspective.

I reread the essay I wrote this morning and really appreciated what I had learned when I wrote it. I am grateful to have it as a reference. Here it is if you're interested in reading it. It's long, but good.


                

Introduction

Every couple has arguments and disagreements. Conflict itself is not what causes marriages to fall apart, but negative conflict does predict dissolution of marriages. Many people think that all conflict is negative conflict, but it is not. For example, a wife can calmly and respectfully talk to her husband about feeling that she does most of the housework, and ask nicely if he could help her more. A negative confrontation would be expressed angrily, with the wife saying something like, “You never do any work around here and I’m sick of it. You are going to get off your lazy butt and do the dishes.” These may seem like extreme examples, but they give us a snapshot to two different perspectives that couples can have when engaging in conflicts.

This paper will focus on four main marital problems that could lead to divorce, and the many ways couples can counter them. The marital problems discussed in this paper will be as follows in order of ascending severity: negative disagreements, anger, giving and taking offense, and bitterness and resentment. These four problems can lead couples to divorce, but through wisdom offered by prophets, apostles, and social scientists, these problems can be resolved and love and commitment can remain strong.

Negative Conflict

In one of his many studies on marriages, Gottman says, “The de-escalation of negative affect, not the reciprocation of positive affect, discriminated happy from unhappy marriages in our studies.” What does this mean for marriages? Yes, it is important to speak positively and respond positively to a spouse, but it is more important to reduce negativity, and actively subdue negative conflict when it starts.

Negative conflict is the beginning of a marriage going downhill. It encourages one of two reactions from couples: attack and defend, or stonewalling. The attack and defend pattern is seen commonly when person A accuses person B of something and person B automatically verbally attacks back or fervently defends themselves. The attack and defend pattern will be discussed in more detail later. Stonewalling happens when person A verbally attacks person B, and instead of attacking or defending themselves, person B becomes extremely quiet, hardly looking or responding back at all.

In the same study, Gottman observes, and thus encourages that, “Satisfied couples continually intersperse various subcodes of agreement into their sequences.” For example, a wife may say, “You don’t do the dishes very often,” and the husband could reply in two ways. The first is a defensive stance. “No, I’ve just been working a lot and don’t have as much time as you do.” Second is including a subcode of agreement, as Gottman expressed. “Yeah, you’re right. I’ve just been working a lot and haven’t had much time lately.” Both of these responses are essentially communicating the same thing, but how they articulate it can contribute to happiness in marriages.

Anger

Although most people can identify with the attack and defend pattern and stonewalling in various relationships, these negative patterns of conflict can escalate, and often occur simultaneously with anger. Just as conflict alone does not predict an unstable marriage, neither does anger. Anger is a natural emotion that is perfectly acceptable to feel and express. Only when an individual expresses their anger in one of four ways is it considered detrimental.

Gottman coins these expressions of anger as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” These “horsemen” are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Each of these expressions of anger are rooted in negativity; they only create feelings of betrayal and hurt, and none of them help to resolve marital problems.

Speaking of divorce, Gordon B. Hinckley stated, “Why all of these broken homes? What happens to marriages that begin with sincere love and a desire to be loyal and faithful and true one to another? There is no simple answer...But it appears to me that there are some obvious reasons that account for a very high percentage of these problems. I say this out of experience in dealing with such tragedies. I find selfishness to be the root cause of most of it. I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion.”

Selfishness can be seen in criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. If a husband and wife truly have an “anxious concern for the comfort and well-being” of their companion, they are much less likely to display their anger in these destructive ways.

Giving and Taking Offense

In the social sciences, giving and taking offense is also called the attack/defend pattern, mentioned earlier. In a married couple’s conversation, once negative conflict and poorly expressed anger are introduced, giving and taking offense is much more likely. Many people do not realize that giving and taking offense is a choice. When a spouse says or does something hurtful, the other spouse can choose to be offended or not be offended by it.

Most people have probably engaged in all three communication problems up to this point. When conversation gets heated and feelings get hurt because of negativity, improper expressions of anger, and the attack and defend pattern, it is best to de-escalate the conflict. Lambert has found that prayer is an excellent tool that helps de-escalate conflict, facilitate good communication, and promote forgiveness.

Bitterness and Resentment

If steps have not been taken to de-escalate conflict in marriage and forgive one another, the natural progression is feelings of bitterness and resentment. In his book entitled, “The Peacegiver,” James L. Farrell tells a poignant story is told from the perspective of Rick, an unhappy husband contemplating divorce. He learns about the real power of the atonement and how it can heal his heart.

Rick learns that Jesus Christ took everyone’s sins upon his head and paid the price for them. In effect, Jesus paid the price as if he had committed those sins himself. If we repent, we will be forgiven, because the price has already been paid. Christ has already paid for the sins of the person you are arguing with- for the very things they do and say that are hurtful. In speaking about forgiveness, Farrell says, “When we withhold forgiveness from others, we are in effect saying that the atonement alone was insufficient to pay for this sin.” In the context of a marriage in which both partners are faithful followers of Christ, if we refuse to forgive our spouse, we are in effect refusing to accept Christ as our Savior and theirs.

Also speaking of forgiveness, Jeffrey R. Holland boldly proclaims, “...however late you think you are, however many chances you think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don’t have, or however far from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ’s Atonement shines.”

Although bitterness and resentment are devastating to marriages, they can be overcome through repentance and the atonement. In Doctrine and Covenants 42:22, the Lord tells us, “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.” And none else is not only referring to a different woman; it could mean a bad habit that interferes with your relationship and most importantly pride. Selfishness and pride go together hand in hand. If rewritten to include these other principles, the scripture would sound like this: “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and reject your pride or selfishness.”

Resolutions to Conflict

Since the problems in marriage we have discussed build upon each other, the resolutions are similar. The solutions to these problems will be presented in three categories: preventative measures, interventional measures, and reparative measures. Preventative measures include ways a husband and wife can behave that will decrease the risk of negative conflict in their marriage.

Some men, either consciously or unconsciously, view themselves as the head of the house with their wife as an inferior partner. In these situations, the man may not accept input from his wife. This leads to marital strife and contention. A solution is for the husband to realize what he is doing and change his thinking and behavior to include his wife and accept her influence.

Women are more likely than men to bring up conflict and want to talk about it. Regardless, the initiator of the conversation has the opportunity to approach the discussion in a gentle way, or an accusatory way, which will influence the outcome of the conversation. For example, a spouse is much more likely to respond positively when their partner says, “I really love our car and I’d love for us to start taking better care of it,” versus, “You always leave your trash in the car and I hate it.” The outcome of these conversations, although based on the same conflict, will be very different.

Another very useful practice is responding to “bids of attention.” A bid for attention occurs when one spouse says or does something to spark their partner’s interest to give them attention. This could happen when a husband says, “I had a great day at work,” or a wife says, “I read a really interesting article today.” In both of these situations they want their spouse to acknowledge what they said and ask for more details, thus giving them the attention they desire. When bids for attention are met with focused interest, it adds to the spouse’s emotional capital.

Emotional capital is like a bank account of love. When one spouse does something to show love for the other, it adds to their emotional capital. When conflict arises and each spouse’s emotional capital is high, the likelihood that the disagreement will negatively escalate is decreased, compared to couples who have low emotional capital.

The last way to prevent negative conflict is to be “slow to anger.” Gordon B. Hinckley said, “Happy is the man who can brush aside the offending remarks of another and go on his way.” His observation is not only excellent advice for individuals, but for married men and women as well. Deciding not to be offended when a spouse is unkind, especially when the intention was not to offend, makes for a much happier and harmonious marriage.

During the conflict there are many ways to intervene and stifle negativity. First is to cool off. Instead of conversing in the heat of the moment, it is wiser to cool off and talk about the problem later when both husband and wife are calm. It is helpful to use soothing language, including agreement whenever possible, and kind tones to let the spouse know they are loved and valued regardless of the disagreement. Another effective tool is to use humor (but not sarcasm) in the conversation. These ways of de-escalating conflict predicts happier marriages.

After conflicts negatively escalate, and feelings are hurt, there two main ways couples can repair their marriages. First is honest and sincere forgiveness. The common phrase “forgive and forget” does not mean to forget that the argument ever happened, but to forget those negative, destructive feelings toward your spouse. Gordon B. Hinckley recalls counseling a husband and wife through this story. “I recall listening at length to a couple who sat across the desk from me. There was bitterness between them. I know that at one time their love was deep and true. But each had developed a habit of speaking of the faults of the other. Unwilling to forgive the kind of mistakes we all make, and unwilling to forget them and live above them with forbearance, they had carped at one another until the love they once knew had been smothered. It had turned to ashes with the decree of a so-called “no-fault” divorce. Now there is only loneliness and recrimination. I am satisfied that had there been even a small measure of repentance and forgiveness, they would still be together, enjoying the companionship that had so richly blessed their earlier years.”

The second, and most important gift we have, is the atonement of Jesus Christ. Therein lies a real power that couples and individuals must draw upon to heal, sanctify, and redeem marriages. David B. Haight said, “If, as husband and wife, you are having serious misunderstandings or if you feel some strain or tension building up in your marriage, you should humbly get on your knees together and ask God our Father, with a sincere heart and real intent, to lift the darkness that is over your relationship, that you may receive the needed light, see your errors, repent of your wrongs, forgive each other, and receive each unto yourselves as you did in the beginning. I solemnly assure you that God lives and will answer your humble pleas, for he has said, “Ye shall ask whatsoever you will in the name of Jesus and it shall be done. (D&C 50:29.)”

Conclusion

Here are some take home messages of resolving problems in marriages:

It is much easier to prevent and de-escalate negative conflict than to repair broken relationships.

It is not what you say but how you say it that really matters.

Maintaining good marriages relationships are more important than being right.

The Atonement can heal any heart and marriage if both spouses are willing to repent.

Elder David B. Haight said, “One thing I have noticed in studying numerous cases is that divorce seldom solves marriage problems. The heartbreak that comes from the break-up of a family is one of the greatest tragedies of our modern world.”  

Most likely every couple on the planet has had disagreements and arguments. Through sincere effort on both partner’s parts, every marriage can be happy and healthy through communicating effectively and taking the proper steps to repairing the damages that come from negative conflicts.

(Congratulations you made it to the end! Here's a quote I like.)

References

Burton, T. M. (1987, June). A Marriage to Last through Eternity. Retrieved from http://www.lds.org/ensign/1987/06/a-marriage-to-last-through-eternity?lang=eng.

Farrell, J. L. (2004). The Peacegiver. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book. 

Feeney, B.C., Lemay, E.P. (2012). Surviving Relationship Threats: The Role of Emotional Capital. Personality & social psychology bulletin [0146-1672] Feeney yr:2012 vol:38 iss:8 pg:1004 -17.

Gottman, J., (1982). Emotional responsiveness in marital conversations, Journal of Communication, 32, 108-120.

Gottman, J.M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., and Swanson, C., (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions, Journal of Marriage and the Family, 60(1), 5-22.

Gottman, J.M., Driver, J.L., (2005). Dysfunctional marital conflict and everyday marital interaction. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 43(3-4), 63-78.

Haight, D. B. (1984, April). Marriage and Divorce. Retrieved from http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1984/04/marriage-and-divorce?lang=eng.

Holland, J. R. (2012, April). The Laborers in the Vineyard. Retrieved from http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/the-laborers-in-the-vineyard?lang=eng.

Hinckley, G. B. (1980, Oct). Of You it is Required to Forgive. Retrieved from http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1980/10/of-you-it-is-required-to-forgive?lang=eng.

Hinckley, G. B. (1991, April). What God Hath Joined Together. Retrieved from http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1991/04/what-god-hath-joined-together?lang=eng.

Hinckley, G. B. (2007, Oct). Slow to Anger. Retrieved from http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/slow-to-anger?lang=eng.

Lambert, N. M. (2012). Sanctification and cooperation: How prayer helps strengthen relationships in good times and heal relationships in bad times. In A. Hawkins, D. Dollahite, & T. Draper (Eds.), Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives (pp. 196-200). Provo, UT: BYU Studies.