Memorial Day Musings

Memorial Day is tomorrow. By the time many of you read it, it will be today.

Over the past several days I have read many Facebook status' that say they're so grateful to the men and women who have died for our freedoms. Every time I read these I feel awkward and guilty because I really don't have that kind of passion. Don't hate me, but I don't FEEL the burning gratitude that I should have. And I found a word for what I'm feeling: apathy. I kind of just don't feel anything.

This makes me sad. I don't want to be apathetic to the liberty and freedoms I enjoy because of the men and women in our military.

I was talking with my husband about this and I said, "It's probably because I've never been close to anyone in the military." After all, when you don't experience something firsthand, or even second or third, you are less likely to be zealous about it.

Then he said, "That's not true. My sister's husband is in the military. He had three tours in Afghanistan and came back every time!" Of course! Silly me, how could I forget the faith and prayers our family went through for him (even if I wasn't married in the family at the time).

Thank you Mike for fighting and serving for my freedom.

                                              

As I was contemplating this something else popped into my mind.

During my first year of marriage my husband and I were blessed to lived with his grandmother. She had been married twice, and her second husband is my mother-in-law's father, and my husband's namesake.

She met, fell in love with, and married her first husband when they were both young. They were probably together less than a year, because very soon thereafter he was deployed to fight in WWII. She never saw him again, because he died.

Even sixty or seventy years after loosing her first husband she still cries for him. Her heart is still broken.

Thank you Rai for dying for my freedom.

                                              

I am grateful to have this blog where I can sit and explore my thoughts and feelings. I think I am a little less apathetic to memorial day now.

Life With Baby Gets Better

                                                          

Hey everyone! My baby is 2 months old now, yay!! I wrote a post on diaper changes and breastfeeding, and tips to help you and the baby.

I am here to tell you that everything gets better! Disclaimer, this is just my experience. I know every baby is different. Here's how it got better for me:

Baby Gets Better
1. She no longer cries during diaper changes. She actually loves it, and smiles and giggles almost every time!
2. She no longer pees during diaper changes! Yessssss!
3. Baby gets better at breast feeding, so she latches on better without as much help from you!
4. Baby starts sleeping through the night (5-8 hours a night)! For me it came between 5-6 weeks. Glorious sleep is found again!
5. This is just a perk, but baby starts smiling more, and if you're lucky giggling! I love those baby smiles!

Mom Gets Better
1. Your nipples stop hurting like heck! It took me a good 6 weeks, but it finally happened! A friend of mine said it only took her nipples 2 weeks to adjust (jerk), so who knows, maybe you can be that lucky too!
2. You get better at breastfeeding, so instead of needing 90 pillows to prop everything up, you become a pro at using only one, or even none!
3. Because you're a pro at breastfeeding you only have to use one arm, or be completely hands free if baby is propped up well enough! Occasionally she eats and I eat at the same time.
4. You get more used to having baby around and the routine of caring for her, so you can actually start getting stuff done. Like taking regular showers, and taking the garbage out, and making meals every now and then :)

If you're a new mom and you're worried because you're sleep deprived, your boobs hurt, and you can't seem to get anything done- stop worrying. You just need to get through this adjustment period of about a month and a half and it all gets better!!!

Sometimes I Miss Church in California

Yesterday was interesting for me. I wanted to go to church, because I hadn't gone since baby girl was born almost 2 months ago. That's the longest period in my life I haven't gone to church.

                                                   

Problem #1   Church starts at 9 freaking am.

Problem #2   It's 8:15 and I'm still feeding baby. I'm not showered or dressed at all. (And I hadn't taken a shower in 2 days, so it was time.)

I finished the feeding, took a short shower, threw on a dress, combed my wet hair and put it in a pony tail (no time to dry or do anything else to it), did some minimal makeup, hugged my sick husband goodbye and headed out the door at 8:58. On the way to the chapel I realized I was wearing flip flops. Not the most Sunday appropriate shoe.

Then I realized how I must look to people: wet hair, flip flops, coming in late to church. How disrespectful is this girl?

And then I started coming up with retorts in case anyone commented on these things; each thought increasing my anger.

I thought, "You don't know me. This is the best I could do this morning. I haven't gone to church in two months and you dare to comment on my appearance! All I wanted was to feel the Spirit and you ruined it!"

This was so stupid of me. The only person ruining my church experience was myself.

By this time my drive was over, I had reached the church building.

Problem #3   No one was at church. The parking lot was completely empty.

Stake Conference, that's the only explanation. They wouldn't just cancel church.

Great... the ONE day I finally come to church, and rushed to get ready, and it's not here.

I felt good that I was at least willing to go to church. I found out that Stake Conference started in an hour at a different building. I went back home and fed my hungry baby again, and then made it to 10 am conference, still with wet hair and flip flops.

                                                 

I was actually glad that yesterday was Stake Conference, because I really only know like one person in my ward. We just moved in and then I had the baby. I don't feel integrated in my current ward yet. It's hard when you feel alone and unnoticed in your ward. At least at Stake Conference everyone kind of feels that way. 

Suddenly I wished I was back in California where I feel comfortable and loved in my home ward, even though I haven't been there in years. Even in our first married ward in Vallejo they knew us and were happy we were there each Sunday. I also loved my married student ward in Provo where we had friends and the Bishop made sure we knew that he knew and loved us.

As I was contemplating all of this I noticed a husky young man, probably in his late teens or early twenties in a white button down shirt, khaki pants, white flip flops (nice matching there), AND knitting. Like full on knitting! Then I noticed the Tongan family right next to me with the dad and son in their formal lava lavas (I hope that's what they're called). It made me smile and feel like I wasn't so alone.

All of this made me remember an institute lesson in California taught by Jonna (PS I still think about specific lessons we had pretty frequently). She told us a story about a woman that didn't feel accepted in her ward. She was kind of a loner, but came every Sunday. In one fast and testimony meeting she shared her testimony of the Savior and the atonement and renewing her covenants every Sunday- and that's why she went to church. Not for socializing or comparing herself to others, but to partake of the Sacrament and feel the Spirit.

                                                     

That's really why I go to church, and I guess now I am proving that to myself. Not every ward is going to be as amazing as mine in California, but that's okay because sometimes we have to remember our true motivation for going to church- even at the ridiculous hour of 9 am with a baby.

Just so you know, I don't want to sit back and mope about not having friends at church. I want to integrate myself. It's just hard and will take time. I'm sure half of the people who go to my ward feel alone too. My husband and I figured out early in our marriage that if we want to have friends we have to instigate the friendship. It's hard in such a transient place, but I need to try. I can't spend the next 5-8 years feeling this way.

So that's it. I need to put myself out there and be happy and not be so hard on myself.

Happy Anniversary!

I recently realized that I have been Crohn's Flare-Up Free for one year!!!!! How wonderful is that?! I haven't gone this long without a flare-up since before we were married.

It makes me feel like dancing to this song:

(I don't really like the original music video. AAAAAANND if you want to dance, you can too!)

Everybody's Crohn's symptoms and treatments are different. Through trial and error and careful observation I figured out that if I eliminate refined sugar I'm healthy! I'm not 100% strict though. I still eat breakfast cereal and sometimes granola bars and stuff like that. I mainly avoid sweets like candy, cookies, cake, and the like.

My last flare-up was last year right after I graduated. I visited my family in California and went to Trader Joe's, like I always do, for some dried mangoes!! They are one of my favorite snacks ever. I also decided to try their dried persimmons (which are now also one of my favorite dried fruits; they strongly rival even mangoes!) and pineapple... which is where I went wrong.

I ate a whole bunch of the dried pineapple and the sugar plus acidity caused a flare up :( Not so fun.

I did have a scare a few months ago when, at a baby shower, I ate some popcorn that had white chocolate drizzled on top. I thought, "There's not that much chocolate on it!" But then I ate a piece and my whole world shifted. It was one of the most delicious things I had ever tasted! Glorious popcorn with decadent white chocolate.... I can still taste it in my mind...

My body usually gives my a couple days of warning before I have a flare up, and thankfully it did this time. I stopped eating any sugar, and stopped it before it started. Few! (I don't think I even told my husband. I didn't want to worry him. Sorry dear!)

Sometimes I'll have dreams where I eat candy, or donuts, or cake.. or everything. Seriously I have recurring dreams like this. My husband always likes it when I get to enjoy sweet treats in my dreams. I don't know if I like it or if it makes me sad. Maybe a little of both.

Truthfully I still crave delicious sweets. I wish I could eat things everybody else eats, but I can't, and I've accepted that.

My new goal is to satisfy my sweet tooth, not indulge it. Sometimes that can be accomplished with just an apple. Sometimes I'll make pudding or experiment with cookies. They're rarely as amazingly delicious as, say that popcorn with white chocolate, or white chocolate macadamia cookies... sigh, but that's okay. I want to be satisfied, not indulgent. That may seem sad to you, but I really have accepted it, and I'm okay with that fact.

If not having refined sugar can help me stay healthy, avoid horrible pain, throwing up, trips to the ER, having to take medication every day, unnecessary medical bills, and inconvenience my family, not having that white chocolate covered popcorn, or other sweets that make me cry, again is worth it.

                                                 

In the spirit of eating sweets made with honey, maple syrup, and agave, here are a few of my favorite treats I make:

Black Bean Brownies, or as my husband calls them, "Frownies" (Fake Brownies :) Blend it up and bake.

Magic Crust Custard Pie. Another blend it up and bake.

Honey Vanilla Pudding. I really like sticking rice in this and making it a non-traditional rice pudding! (Frice pudding doesn't sound very good)

Peanut Butter Brownies, or as my husband calls them, "Prownies"


I basically like sweets I can make in 10 minutes or less. Enjoy!

My Birth Story

I realized that I haven't told my birth story yet, and that I should.

This story starts about three years ago. We had been married for about two years and I was baby hungry!! My husband... was not. He would ask me, "Why do you want to have a baby?" Not in a condescending way, but seeking for a sincere answer. This shocked me at first, and the only reply I could muster was, "Because babies are cute." Which is true, but not the best answer, especially when making such a momentous decision. After a while I came up with better reasons. The best being that I feel like I was meant to be a mother. I loved that I had a bunch of siblings growing up. I can't imagine how empty my parents lives would be if they never had children or if they only had one or two. I am excited to teach children to be good people and to grow up to be honest and happy adults. I think that's a pretty good reason.

I prayed and prayed about it, my heart aching for a baby. Then one night as I prayed the Spirit distinctly answered me. Not in an audible voice, but a clear impression in my mind told me, "Don't worry. Be patient. You will have a baby soon enough. Not now, but soon enough." 

I could have played the martyr and passive aggressively agreed to wait when I didn't want to, but I didn't. My husband's desire to wait became my own and I was given incredible peace. After my prayer was answered the "baby hungry" feelings went away. I trusted that we would have a baby when the time was right, for me, my husband, and the Lord.

Fast forward six months, I was in college and still had three or four semesters. If I wanted to graduate as fast as I could I knew that meant I would graduate one semester before my husband. I really enjoyed school and taking classes just for fun, and figured I could take one last semester of all fun classes, so that we could graduate together! It was an awesome plan. As I was signing up for classes for a new semester the Spirit again distinctly told me to graduate as fast as I could. I was kind of bummed out because I really wanted to take that "Writings of Isaiah" class by Terry B. Ball. I didn't know why I received that prompting, but I followed it and planned the rest of my classes out, so that I would graduate in April of 2013, not December.

Fast forward again, I had been praying for a while that when the time was right to have a baby that the Holy Ghost would prompt my husband. Mind you I did not tell him I was praying for that! It happened in February 2013, and I wrote in my journal, "A few days ago he told me he felt prompted to get ready for children! You don't know how happy that makes me!!!!!!!"

 I graduated in April 2013 and we decided to try for a baby after that. What do you know, I got pregnant two months later! Here's the good part: After several weeks of "trying" and talking about the reality and responsibility of a child coming to our family we thought, "maybe we should wait a little longer... we don't even have heath insurance, what are we thinking?!" But I was already pregnant! God probably knew that if He didn't take advantage of the opportunity we would be tempted to wait longer than was best.

I told my dear husband that when I got pregnant he had to be happy about it. I was worried that the stress of responsibility would overcome him, but it didn't. He was extremely happy, and not just because I told him to. I am grateful for that. When I was 19 weeks pregnant my husband got a full time "big boy" job with incredible benefits, including medical insurance. We definitely attribute that blessing to God!

My pregnancy was AWESOME! I only had morning sickness for about five weeks and then it just magically went away! I ran my first 5k with my family when I was 20 weeks pregnant, and it was awesome! I actually didn't tell any of them I was pregnant until I showed up. I figured they would notice right away, but I was only slightly tubby, and they didn't want to be rude and assume anything. I told them and they freaked out, it was great.

The worst part about being pregnant was the last two months when I got acid reflux, painful swelling in my hands and feet at night, and by the end I was very uncomfortable sleeping on my sides. (We got a recliner on KSL and when it became unbearable to sleep on either side I slept in the chair. It saved me!!!) I feel extremely blessed. I know many women have it a lot worse.

When 38 weeks rolled around I was getting nervous and thought, "It could happen any time!" 39 weeks came and went, and then 40 weeks. My doctor set the induction date for Sunday May 23rd at 7pm, in case I hadn't gone into labor by then. I prayed and prayed that I would go into labor naturally, even if it was on Sunday morning!

Saturday came and we hung out with the Ashcrafts :) I had been having contractions, like I had every day for several weeks, so I didn't know if they were real or not. After our friends left my husband and I went on a 40 minute walk. In the book What to Expect When You're Expecting it says that if contractions stop during activity they're probably not real. During that 40 minute walk I felt great! No contractions... hooray.

My mom had been driving all that day from California, because one way or another I was going into the hospital the next day. When I told her that I had been having contractions, possibly real or not, she decided to drive the whole way instead of stopping for the night. She ended up arriving at midnight, and we stayed up until 1 am chatting. While we were talking the contractions got more intense and I knew these were the real things! 

My husband and mother went to sleep... while I did not. I think that having Crohn's disease really prepared my for labor. The pain was surprisingly similar, and it felt familiar to deal with intense, oscillating pain. My water broke at 3 am and we arrived at the hospital at 5 am. (PS anybody in the Utah Valley- if you need an OB/hospital to give birth at I HIGHLY recommend Orem Community Hospital. I don't know how our birthing experience could have been any better.) I was admitted and got the epidural in soon thereafter.

Oh My Glorious epidural! After going through labor and having an epidural I don't understand why any woman would want to suffer through it without one. And if You do, more power to you, but I'm 150 gazillion times happy I got one.

Hitches in labor/delivery: I was feeling great, but my sweet girl had a few problems. With a little pitocin and a pre-delivery "bath" (because the nurse saw meconium with the fluids coming out), our baby's heart rate dropped dangerously low. Our super-incredible-best-nurse-ever, Jill, got dressed in scrubs in case they had to do an emergency C-Section. My husband freaked out at that point. I was in and out of consciousness because I was exhausted, but all he did for hours was sit and watch the screen monitoring my contractions and baby's heart rate. Her heart rate normalized while labor progressed. When I reached 10 cm Dr McCarter came in to deliver. He was the on call doctor, but was awesome! He said, "I was watching your contractions and the baby's heart rate on my phone during sacrament meeting."

I pushed for 10 minutes (thank you Bastian birthing hips!!) (and haha to the nurses that said I could be pushing for 2 hours!) and she was out! I felt like I was in a dream. Everything seemed surreal; the doctor suctioning her nose and mouth out; the pediatrician looking her over and wiping my meconium-encrusted child off; my husband pulling out his phone to take pictures with the most sincere awe-insipred expression I've ever seen. Then the nurse put my sweet darling baby on my bare chest, so I could snuggle her, just minutes after she was born. So crazy and wonderful!

As the pediatrician was wiping her off just after birth someone asked, "What color is her hair?" He quickly responded, "Green!" And after 20 minutes of being in the room with me, the doctor said, "I guess I'll go back for Priesthood now."

                                          

She was born on Sunday, March 23, 2014 at 10:55 am, 6 lb 2 oz, 18.5 inches long.

We later found out that the placenta had started to calcify. Her gestational age was 41 weeks, and she weighed only 6 lb 2 oz. That's the 4th percentile!! I am so grateful she was healthy at birth, despite the low heart rate scare, meconium, and failing placenta. We were so blessed.

Up until the baby was outside of my womb it was all about the pregnancy. Everything I was experiencing was to culminate in the delivery. I didn't really think about actually having to take care of a human child for forever after that. When she was born I thought, "this isn't the end, it's just the beginning!"

Now she's a month and a half and 10 pounds! We love her with all our hearts and are so blessed to have her in our family forever! As we look back on the years we have been married and what we've gone through, both of us are extremely grateful that we waited to have this sweet girl. I am grateful that God knew and knows both of us- our personalities, our individual/couple needs and wants, and the desires of our hearts, and that we did what was best for our family. I am not encouraging anyone to wait to have children. Some couples intentionally have a baby right off and that's right for them.

I just know having our daughter now is what's right and best for us.

Diaper Changing!!

Okay here's another one of those practical baby posts.

So you thought diaper changes were self explanatory: you take a dirty diaper off, wipe, and replace with a clean one, right? WRONG! Okay, that's technically right, but there are challenges! Challenges I have had, and tips I can share from my experience.

Don't you wish your diaper changes looked like this?

                                            

Your baby will most likely look more like this, at least at first (but this is even glamorizing the crying!):

                                                            

Here's a scenario to get you started:

You have to change your baby's diaper, so you lay them on the contoured changing pad. Baby is not thrilled about getting their diaper changed, so he/she starts crying. You take the diaper off and wipe the yuckies away and remove the dirty diaper. Oh look, when your back was turned for two seconds while you were throwing the dirty diaper away your baby pees all over the table and themselves! You have to take all their clothes off, wipe them down, and either change the pad underneath them or put them on some kind of clean surface. By this time your baby goes from whining to wailing! You're frustrated, they're frustrated, and you haven't even gotten a new diaper on them yet. You stick a new diaper on them, and this time they poop all over before you can get it secured. YAY! You have to throw that diaper away, grab a new one, wipe them down again (which includes flipping them over to get their back), and secure the diaper before they defecate on themselves again, and you loose your mind.

That was a long story, but this is a very real scenario, and fortunately I've only had to experience it a few times, and I didn't even mention diaper rashes!

Here's what I've observed and what's helped me:

1. First thing's first. When to change your baby: I like to change baby AFTER she has finished eating on one side. Sometimes I'm tempted to change her before she eats, because she really needs to be changed, but she's always grumpier (and by grumpier I mean screaming and flailing her extremities). So do yourself a favor and feed your baby first, then change the diaper of a somewhat sleepy, content baby, and feed her on the other side. This solves two problems: the grumpy baby during a diaper change, and it also wakes them up so they are ready to eat on the other side! WIN WIN WIN!

2. Nobody told me when to use diaper rash ointment. I thought it was when the baby developed a rash. WRONG! The ointment is to Prevent rashes! As a result (and using wipes?) my baby got a super crazy huge rash that made me want to cry. In fact, whenever my girl pooped she screamed because it was so painful.  It got so bad that the wound started weeping, and that is really awful because then the ointment wouldn't stick!! What I ended up doing was cutting little strips of cotton fabric from a generic white onsie, applying neosporin, then sticking it to the affected areas (like a band-aid), and covering the rest of the skin with desitin. That way the fabric and ointments reduced friction on her little bum, and it healed! Now I use ointment EVERY time I change her diaper, and that makes for a happy bum.

3. What kind of ointment to use? My mom swears by zinc oxide.
                                                  
I would get it plain, but can't find it in stores, so I'll either ask a pharmacist or get some online eventually. For now I'm using Maximum Strength Desitin (or the generic kind) which has 40% zinc oxide, which is the most I've seen in any diaper rash ointment. I also use other ointments, like Dr. Smith's ointment, and Bordeaux's Butt Paste, but only as a preventative measure when she doesn't have a rash.

                          

Also, if baby has a rash that won't go away it might be a yeast infection. (I thought my girl had one for a while, so I looked up tons of info on it.)
                                               
Here's the lo-down: If your baby has a yeast infection use LOTROMIN, or any generic "athlete's foot"/anti fungal ointment with the active ingredient Clotrimazole. 
                                                                      
Also, do not use cornstarch to help with a diaper rash (if you have heard of that), because it can make yeast infections worse. Look at the ingredient list on ointments for cornstarch, also. (For example, Triple Paste is popular, but it has cornstarch in it). Again, this is only for yeast infection. If you're not worried about that I've read that corn starch really helps rashes. 

4. Have you heard that you're not supposed to use wipes during the first month or so? When baby G had her super bad rash we only used damp cotton balls. This presents somewhat of a problem. Baby wipes dry quickly on the bum, but when you use straight up water with cotton balls, it takes longer to dry, and as the scenario above showed, you really want that diaper change to be as fast as possible. And you REALLY want their bum to be DRY when you put ointment on, otherwise it could make the rash worse. This is when we started using a blow dryer!!! We wedged it between the changing table and the wall, that way you could turn it on (medium heat) and point it on them so you can do what'choo gotta do. This helps them stay warm, which helps them to stay happy, and blessedly reduces the number of times they pee during diaper changes!! (Seriously though, my daughter used to pee during EVERY change!!! Now she only pees occasionally.) This trick has been awesome!

4. One more thing. I highly Highly suggest getting an absorbent waterproof pad, or five, to put under them during the diaper change. That way when (not if) they pee or poop, your contoured changing pad, or whatever surface you're using, doesn't get nasty. Honestly, I got these nice fluffy pads:
                                                             
and a friend gave me these dingy looking flannel hand-me-downs:
                                                        
and I actually like the flannel ones better. They are crazy absorbent, and wash/dry fine.
The fluffy pads worked great right out of the package, but after a wash and dry they're not the same. They continue to be waterproof, but now pee just kinda pools on the fabric before it is Slowly absorbed in. Not so great.

There you have it; all of my tips and tricks for diaper changing. Hope you learned something useful!